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10 Ways for Roadies to Dodge a Bad Rap

By Chris Bettin

Found in: | Outside | Biking | Road Biking |

Cyclists, in large margins, are elitist assholes. People from all walks of life really hate them. By "cyclists," I mean male "roadies," as they're called. I'll exclude, for now, people who have never heard of Greg LeMond or Dura-Ace components, those who ride for transportation, children under the age of 14, and women. Not that any of these groups cannot be considered "cyclists" when it comes to the seriousness or physical prowess they employ in their chosen sport. These other groups seem to be much less puffed up, and simply don't fit into the "elitist asshole" type I'm casting.

I used to be a cyclist, and I am again. My return to cycling has forced me to shift from detached amusement about this haughty reality to real concern over how roadies are perceived. I gave it up for many years in favor of running for its efficiency, but my knees have recently begged my return to the bike. It has been 15 years, and there have been many lovely changes in cycling, save one: This unconscionably misplaced elitism. But together we can change that, perhaps by considering the following suggestions:

1 - While riding, should you happen to pass a pedestrian, someone mowing their lawn, a runner, another cyclist ... heck, anyone who isn't encased in a motor vehicle, feel free to acknowledge his or her existence. Wave, nod or smile. Think of it as a down payment on a wider berth should that person happen to be driving up behind you in a vehicle in the near future. Don't worry. Waving to another man will not automatically call into question your sexuality. Look at how you dress. You are obviously secure enough.

2 - Speak to each other in quieter tones. Just because your ears are muted by wind rushing by them doesn't mean the less animate people you pass cannot hear you. They are not interested in either your cycling or sexual prowess. Most of what they hear from you just reaffirms the stereotype or calls into question your sexuality.

3 - Ride single file in traffic. This could have easily been #1. Is riding side by side a safety precaution, I mean, to make you more visible to drivers? This is a double-edged sword. The temptation to kill you when you are side-by-side is very strong. If it is for social reasons, recall #2.

4 - When approaching another rider from behind, don't speed up just to pass them only to slow down in front of them. This is so annoying. We don't want to be your rabbit or your ego reaffirmation.

5 - Every fifth rider wears Lycra-less shorts and a shirt with two colors or less. I know, I know, wind resistance and visibility will be sacrificed. Nobody said that one of the colors can't be hunter's orange. Forget this suggestion if you rode for the Postal Service last year or ride for the Discovery Channel this year. Even so, I'm guessing you wouldn't wear your work uniform on your days off.

6 - Under no conditions, even when you think you are among your kind, mention how much you paid for your bike, or any other part of your gear ensemble. Your bike is more expensive than it should be and it's nothing to go public about.

7 - If you enter a race, even a small municipal affair, take your number off your bike as soon as the race ends. As Bronson Pinchot would say, "It's not sexy."

8 - Remember that most four-year-olds can ride a bike in a pretty straight line down a road, and that this alone does not qualify you as an elite athlete.

9 - Never wear your cycling club jersey or shorts in public. We already think you are the last insufferable vestiges of the cliques from our high schools. These outfits should only be worn in secret at a club meeting in windowless basements with the lights dimly lit.

10 - Try not to mention your body fat percentage. We can see for ourselves that you are fit. We think you look remarkably like the Faun Tumnus from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, and thus, we have not chosen you as a mentor.

Chris Bettin writes from Durango, Colo., where he expects the waves he gets this summer while riding to send mixed messages.